I came across a little gem of a book the other day, while following who-knows-how-many rabbit holes across the internet. You know…click on one link, then another…and about an hour later you’ve lost track of where you started! The eBook is “Letting Go of Difficult Emotions: Release Anger, Resentment, Frustration, Anxiety, and Self-Judgment” by Lori Deschene.
Hence, today’s topic title.
My first approach to working through something has always been to do research and analyzing. The internet was made for people like me! >smile<
The title of the book caught my attention because the latest stumbling block in my path recently has been an overwhelming sense of RESENTMENT.
First a bit of personal backstory (I promise, it will make sense!): Way back in my mid-20s I had to have a complete hysterectomy. Then came the years of figuring out the correct dosage of estrogen for Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). If I took enough to keep the hot flashes, skin dryness, and other menopause symptoms at bay, I got migraines…a lot of migraines. So my doctor and I found the “magic dosage” that I could live with comfortably for the next couple of decades. This placed me in a semi-pre-menopause holding pattern, if you will, with migraines once or twice a month for the next 20+ years.
At the beginning of 2014 I found a small lump in my breast, so my doctor decided it was time to wean myself off the HRT. While I can’t say I was looking forward to the symptoms of menopause this would bring on, I was looking forward to finally minimizing the risks of HRT: cancer, heart attacks, strokes, and blood clots. I had agreed to take those risks because to NOT take hormones meant there would be huge impacts on my marriage at the time. Full menopause just wasn’t an option before.
Back to the RESENTMENT.
Every morning I take that dosage of hormones. And worry about the side effects. It occurred to me…sort of a “duh!” moment…that I no longer need to take them. There is no one in my life that will get upset because of my menopausal symptoms. No one to complain about a reduced libido or the night sweats (I call those Power Surges). Finally! I could stop taking that annoying little pill as my doctor suggested so long ago.
Then came the next “aha” moment. An overwhelming feeling of resentment nearly paralyzed me. The more I picked at it, tried to break it down, I realized the feeling wasn’t new. I had just buried it so deeply that I didn’t realize it was there. Sure, there were little clues here and there over the years. But I’m a pro at burying pain, trust me; I could give lessons on it!
From this eBook:
“But underneath this finger pointing, there was a dull awareness that I felt stuck, not just because of what others had or hadn’t done, but because I’d chosen for so long to give my power away.”
Wow…that really resonated with me. Why? Because the choice was mine all along. But I gave way to the desires of another. I put myself in a position to be unhappy with a decision about my own body. The feelings of resentment meant that I needed to take responsibility for my part. No one forced me to take HRT ten years longer than was recommended. No one held a gun to my head each morning when I took that tiny pill.
It’s easy to point and blame someone else. But the choice really was mine all along.
“Whatever the case may be, you can free yourself from the pain of resentment by acknowledging it, taking responsibility for your part in it, being proactive in responding to it, and changing your story about it.”
This little book…which cost me next to nothing…has helped me tremendously. So to Lori Deschene, I say “Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.” I look forward to whatever other “aha” moments that may come up in the near future.
So bring on The Change! Who knows, maybe the cats will enjoy sleeping next to someone that can generate their own nuclear heat source! >grin<
This Road I find myself on may not be as smooth as I had hoped it would be at this stage in my life…but it’s one heck of a learning experience. Thank you, readers, for sharing it with me this week.
Until next time…be kind to each other…and to yourself!